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  • Writer's pictureAmanda R

Sometimes You Need To Feel Your Determination

Updated: Jan 4, 2021

Well, I've successfully made it a full 7 days of working from home. It's also been a full 13 days since I've seen my boyfriend. I haven't seen any of my coworkers since April 18th and I don't remember the last time I've seen a lot of my friends' faces (with the exception of accidentally "housepartying" with my girl, Leah, this morning. hahaha!)

This past week I decided to bake, which started off annoying because the stupid food processor was broke... after using it a whole 2-3 times! The experience was just that... An experience, haha. I'm happy I did it. I made s'mores cookies. They were slightly disappointing since they tasted less like s'mores and more like triple chocolate chip cookies, but overall I'm proud of myself for going through with it. I also ate 5 cookies for dinner that night hoping the next cookie would finally taste like the real deal... With a stomach ache and racing heart from all the sugar and processed shit, needless to say, the cookies never truly tasted like s'mores.

The following morning I woke up stuffed from the night before and just not myself. Moody, annoyed, irritable, grouchy, dreading for the day, tired. I felt 'off'. I've felt this before. Thankfully I no longer live with my parents because chances are I would've blown off some steam on absolutely nothing. :( Sorry guys... But also, it's unfortunate to not have anyone here but myself because this type of feeling is not that awesome when you're by yourself. Past experiences, my brain would spiral fast into anxiety, forward thinking, dark and sometimes unpleasant thoughts. I wouldn't know what to do and I would essentially react instead of relax.

That day I chalked it up to the overload on cookies. But maybe it's also because of the shitstorm that's going on in the world right now... Thanks, COVID-19. FU.

At this point, I had barely left the house, except for my daily 10, hardly saw my parents (my dad dropped off lunch for me one day at this point), no Sophie, no detective tv shows with mom, no outside human interaction and all news. That morning I stayed in bed longer than usual, launched all social media platforms that flooded with virtual happy hours from friends plus the latest news on the virus. I took a deep breath and walked to my living room. For the first time in weeks, I turned the news on before work... increasing the news coverage I normally get by probably 15%. I didn't workout but I made breakfast and did some light meditation before heading to the office down the hall.

At some point, I feel like you need to focus on the determination it takes to become the better version of yourself.

By lunchtime, I was feeling okay but still off. I forced myself to brush my teeth, wash up and put makeup on. I changed into comfy clothes and pushed myself out the door for my daily walk. It felt so good to get outside. To feel the wind and heat of the sun on your face. To be in the moment and not replay what you said 2 days ago or what you listened to before leaving the house. When I came back home, I ate lunch, watched the tv (more news) and then went back to work.

I was definitely feeling better than I could have felt had I not gone for that walk. Remember, I have felt that irritable moodiness before... but this day I was determined to stop it from spiraling out of control.

The afternoon flew by and around the time I log off, I felt that dread again. The loneliness, sadness, feeing lost with what am I going to do the rest of the night now? Earlier in the day, I made sure I texted my boyfriend, "Can we be sure to facetime tonight? I'm really needing it right now"

Normally after work, I change clothes ASAP and get in a workout but this day it just was not going to happen. That feeling of dread was too strong to shake. The weather was chilly but the sun was out so I decided to grab my coloring book and colored on the porch for 45-60 mins. My chest was a little tight, my brain would not slow down... not until about the last 15 mins. I enjoyed it the best I could at the time. Later that evening, I facetimed with my boyfriend and eventually talked about how I had been feeling that day. You see, he has a job that's considered "essential" so he's still getting up, driving to work, seeing other human beings. As I'm writing this, I've seen 1 other human besides myself and it's currently 3:20pm.

We are human beings. We're messy. We're fun. We're loving. We desire human interaction. This stay at home order is hard. It's so hard. And it's so important that we catch ourselves before that dread/moodiness spirals out of control. Which is why I'm telling you this.

It is possible to catch it. To catch ourselves and bring us back to our true self. The following morning, instead of the moodiness, irritable feeling, dread carrying over into another day, I woke up feeling refreshed, happier, at ease. I woke up, got dressed, worked out and continued the routine I have every morning before going to work.

You can do it too.

When you begin to feel moody, irritable, alone, dread, recognizing it is the first step. Then do something simple that makes you happy/feel good, that's healthy. For me, that was laying on my yoga mat that morning and stretching.

Next, if not showering or doing your makeup is going to help you relax, give yourself permission to do so. I told myself that I wasn't going to put on 'real' clothes that day and I gave myself permission to watch the news moreso than I normally do.

Finally, make sure you get some rest the same night you woke up feeling blah.

1. Recognize what/how you're feeling.

2. Do something (simple) that makes you truly happy, that's healthy.

3. Give yourself permission to relax today.

4. Go to bed early the same day you woke up annoyed.

Remember, this has taken me years of practice. I had no idea I would ever be able to hault a bad mood, until I was able to. I hope these 4 steps help you the next time you're feeling a little out of control.


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